I can't say I'm feeling better in general, but with this...I think I'm all right with the separation. It's just hard to tell your best friend that you want to meet other people. It hurts a lot more than if he were just a boyfriend.

He keeps telling me we'll get through this.

I just can't guarantee that, because what if at some point during tis break, I stop wanting it to "work out?"

I mean, I don't want that to happen, but I also don't want to see other guys while thinking that I have a guy back home waiting for me to get over this spell.

So...I guess that I'm saying I want to make sure this is the real break. Like, no looking back, no hopes, no secret agendas when we hang out. I don't want to hurt, and I don't want to make him hurt any more than he's naturally going to. I don't want to let him have that "glimmer of hope," as he said.

This is real life. Love doesn't change anything, at this age. Nothing.

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(11:35:37 PM) Him: It's not gonna change the fact that I'm gonna want to see you as much as possible anyway
(11:36:03 PM) Him: Not only are you my girlfriend...
(11:36:09 PM) Him: You're my best friend.
(11:36:33 PM) Me: You're mine, too.


That's about when I REALLY started crying. And now when I think back over it, I start crying more, and this is just...so, so painful. We had to stop and face the fact that either of us could find someone else, and so I understand where he's coming from, because if I knew another girl was with him...I would just want to die.

I can't imagine what he's going through, still. He's so sweet and dedicated to keeping Us working...all for nothing, now.

I have a feeling it's going to be a long time before I can look him in the eyes again. At least for long.


I never said this would be easy for me. I want it, still, I think it's right to do this and need the time, but...

Oh God, it just hurts so much.

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See, I was fine until now.

I've been considering the hard facts of life a lot more, lately, and have decided that it would definitely be best to break it off with my boyfriend of eight months before the next school year, maybe much sooner than that.

It's just when I think about looking in his eyes that I start crying. Because, eight months is a long time. He's been my best friend for ten months, too.

I'm just afraid I won't be able to take what I see. I know for a fact that he loves me, and I just really wish he didn't, because then this would be such an easier task.

He wanted to grow up together and get married, and live that life that everyone seems to want.

But, in Italy, I started thinking with all that spare time I had, and I wondered, Would I ever want that? I don't want kids, I don't want a suburban home, or to be in the freaking PTA, when I grow up! I don't want obligations like that, I'd want to take the money saved from not having kids and travel! And, what are the chances that we'd even make it so long? Why should we set ourselves up for disappointment?

The last thing I want him to be is disappointed or hurt that much.

Plus...I don't know.

I like it better when we aren't in the position where we're going to be kissing and all lovey-dovey. I like feeling like my own person, and I think I'd really prefer he get to be his own person, too, because now he's just doing what it takes to stay close to me.

And I guess there's always that chance that he'll find a girl he can love just as much and actually be with right away. I don't think I'll be able to take that, but regardless... I'm willing to take the risk. I'm scared, and I cry a lot, but at least I'm doing what I know will ultimately help.

My mind's a flood, and I'm just watching myself as I'm whisked away with the current.

Torrent.

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I have to admit, I miss it. I miss how the world used to be before it was turned upside-down by high school, and revelations from various people, and new people, and lost friendships...

I guess you could say I just miss loving certain people. As friends, that is. Then again, you can love someone without being in love, so maybe I miss...

Anyway. This one song I used to listen to, back in '06 made me start writing this. Everything was easier in middle school, and I know that sentimentality might be over by the time I'm fully grown, but...I don't care. I'm young now, and I know what I miss. It might have been complicated with the emotions of hundreds of new teenagers flying around, but there was a sort of peace that came with that tiny workload. And, none of my friends cared about who they were.

Now, it's like we're all such different people. It makes me wonder if I can ever be happy like that again. I guess if every love is different, then there could be different types of happiness...

-is not convinced-

Life's rough. People move on from each other so quickly, then their friendship turns into a pizza in the way that, when you cut a pizza, if more people want a slice, then it cuts into more tinier slices.

There are some people who are giving me a really nice-sized slice, though, like the ones at the pizza place in the galleria. Like Britney. She's such a loyal friend. I think people make the mistake of thinking loyal means...Iunno, clingy. But she's just there when I need her, and makes sure to every once in a while hang out with me one-on-one. I think I prefer her, too, because we hit the height of our friendship when I was happiest. Sometimes I think I should just do exactly what I did then, because I must have been thinking pretty clearly, back in the best days.

>.< I guess that's the long version of saying that I'm not happy, now. There have only been a few days when I have been, lately, and I don't even want to talk about that, right now.

It's just too complicated.

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I can't stand when teachers go horribly, horribly wrong.

There's this teacher in my school...we'll name him Kermit for the sake of being anonymous, since I don't think people would appreciate me giving out their last names online. He's usually a really nice guy, but he's having a super hard time, lately. His home life has recently become VERY stressful, so I could understand some strain.

But this is ridiculous. He called out my buddy for not reading something I admit, we were supposed to be reading. HOWEVER, no one else had been reading it during class; they'd done it the night before. I don't know why he assumed she hadn't but they had.

That isn't even the point, though. The point is that he's gotten so mean. Again, I do understand it. I just don't think that's right, to call people out and embarrass them. Mean teachers do that. He shouldn't.

Anyway. I just got back from Italy a couple days ago. Generally, I was really unimpressed with Italy. I tell everyone the guys were the best part, and that is so totally true.

I mean, there was just this one very sweet one in Italy...he made the entire trip worth while, just by smiling at me, and giving me looks, and grinning when I ate...

It was...ugh. I'm not used to having cute little tender moments without it being ruined by a kiss. And you know, I like kissing. Kissing is good. More kissing, I say.

But there are times when things should just be more simplistic and pure. Life should be easy and happy, like childhood, sometimes. If it's not, you won't survive. You just won't.

I just wanna have more of that. It's not even that the guy and I had anything, it was just that he was quiet and sweet and...did simple things.

That's the best way to get someone to love you. Simplicity. Because I think every thing's complicated enough as it is.

I know the best times I've ever had with guys were in the park. It's so peaceful back there, you can't help but be taken by it.

-sigh, happy smile-

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I hate when my mother talks to my aunt. She gets out the wine and drinks it like it's fucking water.

And then she comes upstairs and tries to socialize with me. And she wonders why I'm so mean to her, at that moment? Doesn't she get that this type of stuff is disappointing? I mean, honestly, I'm the teenager. I'm the one who's supposed to be going out and getting drunk. That's what they do.

But no. I'm the responsible one, driving for her when she isn't "well enough" to do so herself.

Sickening. I want to Caps Lock at her.

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