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Sunday. 4.28.19 10:35 pm

Today, my ex-fiance cleaned his things out of the apartment we shared, and turned in the last set of keys. Goodbye, 515. Goodbye, R. After he was long gone from the unit, the city, the state, he texted me and was kind, and gentle, and understanding.

"I'm always going to love you," he'd told me a month ago, sitting on the wooden swing, looking over the park where we'd both spent some of our childhoods--right there, but...


I knew I'd always love him, too, a good chunk of me, and told him as much. As much as our histories had aligned, we'd lost each other in there, somewhere. We both knew this, long before the day had ever come. We both wanted to hold onto each other, onto that safety, onto a raft.

This afternoon, he told me we could use today as the jumping-off point. No contact. When we broke up, he'd resisted, but today he told me that he'd taken me off of his social media, and that he was OK with however long I needed to heal from everything.

How long we all knew this moment was coming. How long I knew. How long, I'm sure, all of you knew.

It will take me a while to contact him again.

Yesterday, I drank coffee on my porch, enjoying a bright and warm spring morning. I washed dishes in my sunny kitchen, and listened to music, and danced, and smelled the (literal) roses. In the early evening, after moving things from my car to my (second floor, no elevator, shoebox) apartment, I ate dinner with the porch door open, listening to the steady hum of activity from the units around me. I drove to the rose-giver's apartment, and ate Pop Tarts in his kitchen after...well.

He piled blankets on top of me, this morning, and I woke up, later, to him opening his patio door, the smell of coffee and bacon filling the space. He has eyes just exactly like the ocean, I swear to god, and they were so happy to see me awake, I just...

If you've ever had someone fall into your life right when you don't need a single fucking person interrupting your healing, you know exactly how I felt, when I met him. Newly single and barbed all over, I was wary of myself, wary of the possibility that I might fall into the same patterns as before and never move forward in my life. After a few days of trying and failing to shake him (from pursuing me, from my own brain, you pick), I promised him 5 less barbs a day. I'm somewhere around 100 barbs fewer, and haven't found any reasons Why Not, yet (as hard as I've tried). In fact, I've found an enormous amount of reasons why he and I would work, and it's all easy like it's never been easy for me, and hard in ways it's never been hard, before.

I'm dating other people, now, too, and I'll admit I'm very into a couple of the people I'm seeing. You know how I am about a poetic entrance, though. Some things never change. And when I'm with someone who just...brings all of me out, like this...well, I guess I'm inspired.

As for healing... I'm in therapy, and it's been going very, very well. I started seeing my therapist in...January? February? Now I'm down to once every two weeks, and might transition to even fewer trips in the next couple months, progress allowing. This week's homework was to complete a self-assessment form on how well I'm functioning as a human, and signs seem to point towards "OK."

I felt some grief in the last texts, today, but not much. It was kind of like remembering a recurring dream and just feeling glad to be awake. My therapist says I might be angry, soon, and I feel it like a nippy, wet gust in the thick summer heat. I know I'm angry, and I'll feel it, and I'll probably express it in a mixture of healthy and unhealthy ways, and then I'll process it.

And I'll keep being OK (or better).

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I'm not here because midday was here
Thursday. 10.18.18 2:36 am

It's just a weird coincidence, honest.

We're all getting old. I was a teenager when I started this blog. Now I pay taxes and get grumpy if I go to bed after 9:30.

I had a hard day and I'm not sure how to process it, speaking of going to bed early (it's currently 10:30 and not getting earlier). I'm dealing with some stuff at work where I feel like I would be better off with more power to handle projects from start to finish. My boss has been kind of "getting things started" with a lot of the projects I eventually handle, and that ends up making it harder to know what I'm doing inside and out. That ended up making my day a lot worse than it needed to be, today, especially considering that I worked a whopping 11 hours straight.

R is in bed in the next room, and I wish I could be in there, too, sleeping as hard as he is. He turned over, about half an hour ago, said, "Now I gotcha," and did a very self-satisfied laugh.


He paused. "I don't know," he told me.

"Are you even awake right now?"

He laughed in that Big Charmer way and very matter-of-factly stated, "No I am not."

He then called my leg a "warm bridge" and fell back into a deep sleep.

We're signing a lease addendum, soon, so he can move in with me. I'd say it's about time, but there was a lot we had to work through, a lot of Stuff between this blog and the previous. I still have a lot to work through with myself, to be honest. Trying to balance my own garbage with having someone live here might sometimes be a challenge, but I'm glad he's here, it's good to be around him so much. Small things like eating dinner out on the balcony and talking about video games, like having him there to hug me after a day like today...meaningful when they build up.

For the most part, right now, days have this steady rhythm that I'm not setting my watch to, but more so tapping a foot to. Work is hard and unsteady, but I'm steadying it more by being there and asking for change. R and I have to really work with each other sometimes, but we're an enviably strong team, at the end of the day. Everything I'm doing is rewarding--it's not ideal, not the sort of structure I can fall asleep easily to, but it's moving in that direction.

Oh, and my brother is giving me his old Roomba, so I guess things are really looking up.

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the password is LANGUAGE because I'm a sailor
Wednesday. 1.10.18 8:08 am
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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october chill
Tuesday. 10.3.17 18:20
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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