It's kind of overwhelming to see all these people around me who have their big careers already chosen. And I know all that stuff about how a lot of them will change their minds or not make as much as they think, but this is IB track. I can see them all making it, and so I can also see what they're working towards.

But what am I working towards?

I dunno. I just want to be a teacher. Maybe someone who works with statistics. Maybe someone who works with English (because I know it well enough to teach it well). It doesn't matter. I just...it doesn't seem like that's the big future everyone else looks at. It's a job with a pretty average to low income, and it's something people usually wouldn't look forward to, but...-sigh-

It sucks that I don't want to be a doctor. That would rock.

Not much else going on. Just trying to think for the future, for once, because people constantly as why I'm in IB, and I really don't know. The challenge is good, I guess. The teachers are great.

-sighshrug- But...I can never picture myself going to college.

I don't know why. And I am anyway, because there must be something there for me, and I'm going to try to make a good life for myself. Of course I'm going, there's no question about that.

-sigh- I just don't want to waste my time there still trying to figure things out.

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So!

I really don't know what to talk about. But it feels like I have something. -shrug- I guess most of what I'm thinking about isn't stuff I can talk about (and no, I'm not just talking about YOU) on here.

...Kevin and I have become locker buddies. I sometimes see him in the hall and walk with him as far as we go on the same route, and that's cool. :3 I might even choose to hitch a ride home from him, sometimes, just because it's probably nice to have that company.

And, plus, Britney has a bunch of people riding home from her, and I don't always want to keep her up by being an upstairs locker person. Especially when she has work.

Either way, his locker is my locker, right now, so it would be easy to find a meeting point, hehe.

That's all the useless ramble I have, today. So goodnight!

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Ugh, last night. It was amazing. yourcupoftea and I were talking on IM, and he said he was bored. I agreed, and instantly started making plans with all our friends. I thought it was gonna fail when Sahpee was out and Meagan wasn't answering (because I knew Brutaly (Britney, if you do so forget) was at work that day), but then Sahpee answered her boyfriend's phone and they agreed to hang out. Gabe was there too. Lucky shot, I say. :D Plus, they were going to get Blaine (by the way, I don't know Gabe, Joey (Sahpee's boyfriend), or Blaine very well), so it was...REALLY lucky. AND Meagan called!

So we had quite a group. We went places, *coughstolesigns,* bought things, et cetera. And Brutaly called back, and she came, too! :D The night ended with Brutaly and yourcupoftea (and that's Kevin, by the way) sitting with me on my front lawn, getting hyper off of Walgreens candy. Pictures were taken. Shoes were bought. Life is good.

And I sincerely think this is the most I've seen from Kevin, personality-wise, ever. It's really nice to know that we're getting to the point where I can trust him as my friend, because it takes a long time for that to happen. :3

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I've showered, I've put makeup on, and I have my iPod loaded full of songs that make me happy.

And I don't have anywhere to go, or anyone to hang out with.

I think I might go outside and take a walk. It'll be good for me, since yesterday I was couch-ridden with this horrible, three hour-long vomiting episode. Blood was involved. I couldn't support myself easily. :-\

Over now, though!

Yeah. Yeah! A walk sounds really good.

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There's this girl I was kinda half-friends with. She sits next to me in one of my first periods.

She told a bunch of her friends that I used the crying card to get out of school. When in actuality, I called my parents and gave them my reasons, and they finally agreed that I could come home, to save my academic life back at the old school. I didn't cry once until after it was decided that they were coming to get me, and that was out of pure relief.

Get your damn story right.

It hurts that someone would do that. But you know, I'm not going to hold a grudge. I'm just not going to tell her things, either.

Whatever.

I feel like I'm absolutely where I belong. No regrets.

By the way, classes:

Psychology
Spanish 1
French 4, apparently
English
Chemistry
Math SL (pre-cal, calculus, statistics, et cetera)
History of Americas

There's this semester. Probably Creative Writing 2 (ironic) next semester in the place of Spanish.

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Ehhh. I know I need to give myself time to adjust, but I haven't been completely honest, and there's a very good reason as to why I want to leave: I chose an art area that I'm good at, and took the pride from the praise as liking the actual art.

Which I do not. Not enough to write this much, ever.

And that seems like a really dirty thing. So my parents called my counselor to talk to me, and I told her this, and she told me I'm really insightful but that I should give it a chance.

For what, the food? Because honestly, if I stay for things other than the art, it shouldn't be have "Arts" right in the name (false advertising and all that). Don't get me wrong--the people are great, the campus is beautiful, the academic side seems kind of almost fun.

But I'm just a kid, in some ways. I still make mistakes about reading my emotions, though I don't think that changes with age, even. We all do it; just, some make bigger mistakes than others.

I mean, this place HAS changed me a slight bit. I know how colorful I can be, now. I know what it's like to stand for something truly unique.

But I don't know. I miss my hot glue gun. I miss the freedom of coming home and taking off my shoes, and throwing them somewhere, and picking up my room when *I* want, and peeing without worrying abut being heard, and sleeping with all my dream catchers, and NOT HAVING TO WRITE ALL THE TIME (oh yeah, and talking to my friends. Oops, sorry, guys).

I have homework, tonight, too. Writing. More writing. That's it.

And I dunno.

I don't want to raise hopes or have you guys disappointed in me because I didn't "try." Because I might still have to stay.

v.v

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