I don't understand why some songs remind me of childhood. Iron & Wine's song "Love and Some Verses" makes me think of the summer days, back in Pennsylvania, when my mum would have the Weather Channel on, and we'd run around, and she'd garden, and Teddy (the dog we lost to age, six years and a month or so ago) and I would be best friends.

My eyes start misting, knowing that this song will someday stop reminding me of those days.

This is the only time I can see the inside of my house. I remember weird little things, like what my room looked like, and how I'd break out of a crib. How I wasn't thinking, just feeling a longing to be with my parents. Where the TV was. How high up light switches used to seem.

The color golden rod, and how that was the color of the summer world, in my memories.

The dandelions my mum was planting, when I wore my sunflower dress, and how Ted trotted beside me, always protecting me.


Things have changed. Instead of basing actions on feeling, I have to think about the consequences, and the reason behind the action, what's to gain. Instead of longing to be with my parents, I long to escape. Instead of knowing what the sun feels like, and remembering noticing that, I know useless geometry, and what color I want my room.

Useless, useless, useless.

Not to me, it isn't useless if I want to succeed. But do I? What am I gaining? Money? Pride? A pretty diploma for my wall?

Instead of knowing things, being something, all the time, every waking or resting moment for the rest of my life, can I not simply bask in existence?

Oh, to be simple again, unfilled by lessons and understanding. To have a language no one could pull apart, not knowing what being grown-up is like, to not ever have to grow up.

I envy Peter Pan with all my heart. He can run away to another world where they accept people who can't accept aging, where they don't have to, where they won't.

I don't think I'd mind never seeing death. I'd take everyone I want there with me, so we could all live and be fulfilled by each other--where we could learn again to not worry about anything. Where we'll just bask in existence for days, realizing how beautiful the shade of every blue sky is, no matter how little the difference is between shades.

I just want to appreciate life at its simplest, again. It's sad, how we all do, we just don't remember it.

It's unfair, is what it is.

But, life was never fair.

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