I'm losing it, again. Last time, it was small, secure, and I seemed alright. This time, I'm having breakdowns. None of my friends seem like friends, anymore. My best friend is taking my best qualities and habits and making them into something fake for her wardrobe, and I'm sick of watching it. It's worse than an enemy. I love her, but I want to be as far away from her as humanly possible.

One of my other best friends is hurting. And, I can't help but point out that this isn't right, because her personality is missing because she lacks the one she loves.
Yeah, I would miss Logan. I would hurt.

But it wouldn't be like this. I knew I had to be happy on my own before I could handle a relationship, so that's what I did. I became happy, over time, and THEN looked at being part of a couple.

I'm independent, is what I'm trying to say. My world doesn't revolve around things that could never happen. I stay in the present and don't look for others to point the finger at or rely on, I rely on myself because...I don't really count anyone as a real friend.

Don't get me wrong...I have friends. I have a lot.

But...they're not there when I'm having a hard time. They don't make an attempt to communicate half as much as they should, and when I try...I don't know. It seems like no one can ever follow through.

And I know sometimes I'm horrible to the people who do talk to me. It's just that, right now, I feel so damn distant from everyone, like I'm one of those followers in the bunch who just exists.

I feel like I am nothing.

I guess that's why I've been crying a lot, and having panic attacks, and just...hurting, all day. It hurts. And it's hard to rise back to a level of existence once you've decreed that you don't, in fact, exist. I keep telling myself this is just an illusion from my Winter Sadness, but this time...I just don't buy it. I need more. I need vibrancy. I need people to tell em they love me other than my boyfriend.

Even he isn't around as often as he used to be. It isn't his fault, though; he has work and school things after school and on the weekend.

And so I'm hoping that I'll be back once I maintain enough sleep. Right now, though...I just want to lay down and die. I want to scream. I want to escape.

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