Hmmm.

I am a tad bit stressed because Britney is sitting beside me a lot while chewing on her plastic cap thingie. And I have an anxiety disorder, so hearing repetitive sounds which I already have a problem with tends to make me have random breakdowns. Like, with crying and sometimes screaming.

But, I'll try not to let that show.

I've missed seeing her, anyway. I guess being on the edge of a huge breakdown is kinda worth it, sometimes. Even though I'm finding the need to YELL AT HER. A LOT.

Twitch.

Anyway.

My friends have been there constantly since Logan and I split. I loved how Kevin left a bottle of Fuze, and the way Britney stuck around to watch me nom an entire pint of ice cream (reminiscent of my break up with Stevie in '07, where I ate twice as much as she could in ice cream, but that time it was Cinnamon Roll, instead of Half Baked, and I probably cried more, then) and see some pictures, and the way Stevie came over and got me to hang out in the rain, which I've admittedly only tried a couple times, given that I rather like life and think lightning might come in the way of such enjoyment.

Everyone has just been so nice.

<3 I'm grateful for this time to spend with my friends.

And even more news (well, really, the last part wasn't even really news, so this is kinda of more like the first news)!

I got into Governor's School (for arts, not science & math) in April, right? I was kind of freaked out because I was missing a lot of school days and my grades were taking a fall (because I guess I was sort of depressed and stuck in a rut; plus, that whole week in Italy >.>;;). Naturally, I feared my grades would cause me to fail. Because I'm an honors student. And I fear failing and anything below a C.

Or, like, below a B.

Actually, I hate anything below an A. >.>;

But, yeah, I thought I would fail my classes and have to repeat, thus missing my chance at Governor's School, which is somewhere I REALLY want to go. But I got my report card, and the lowest grade is an 85 in Chemistry, which was the only class I truly worried a LOT over.

:3

Governor's School pour moi!

And so next year I'm not taking a science class. Heh. I just don't want to, so I'm not. Plus, I doubled this year. Physics and Chem. Bleh. :3

Oh, and then...one downside to everything going on. Actually, two. Wait, three.

One: Logan. I still care about him, even though I don't want to be in a relationship with him. And so it kind of bothers me to see what this break up is doing to him. He's kinda unraveling. It's worrying. :-\ I mean, I know I probably shouldn't be surprised, after doing this to him, and I shouldn't be offended, but he's gotten so harsh and...agh. I remember what I can compare it to.

There was this one time we went to Zuma, which is a gaming place. He got SO MAD playing mini golf. And I was like, Dude, it's just a game. But he threw a big-ass tantrum every time he missed and started cussing while there were little kids in the vicinity. But then when he started doing well, he didn't just take it modestly. He bragged. Heavily.

And that's what it's like now. Whenever he has a bad day, he thinks he has the right to very publicly whine about it on MySpace bulletins (which are petty to begin with), over IM, and things like that. He basically acts like a child when he's angry or put off. And I'd understand that if he'd just contain it a little better to friends and such, but the fact that he's yelling at EVERYONE and going off on people who don't know him that well and don't deserve it...that puts me off.

And then yesterday he had a good day, so he acted like he never pouted about anything and talked about how awesome his day was. No regretful attitude towards those he was harsh towards. Just sudden joy and gloating that he had a good day.

The chance that we'll remain best friends after this is getting so low. I...don't like this side of him. Never did.

>.<

Two: Kevin. He talked to me the other night and finally admitted that he wants more than friendship in a relationship. >.< I don't think he believed what I told him in response.

I was telling some of the girls yesterday that I wouldn't even go into a relationship with the guy I like most, even if he wanted to, because I'm not really stable enough to hold a relationship with someone else, and I don't want to be with someone in high school when it will probably mean nothing later in life.

They weren't surprised. Kevin, apparently, was. And he knows all about the other guys I like, because I prefer to be honest when he asks about this stuff. If people ask, I figure they probably want the truth.

Eep. I just don't know why he would want a relationship with me, the way I am. I'm not good with keeping guys in that way. I like friendships with them, and casual dating is good, because there still isn't a lot of complex emotion attached, in most cases.

But when it gets to the point where they're trying to dig deep and trying to kiss me on the lips all the time...I get suffocated. I don't like the kissing much, especially when you're expected to kiss often. A kiss on the cheek? Yeah, that's cute. On the forehead? I basically melt.

But the lips...eh. Meh. Erg. Enh.

Kinda weird. Only when it's necessary or really good.

...And sometimes it's kinda icky if the guy doesn't mind his taste. Onions. I specifically remember the one with onions.

TWITCH.

Three: Steigen.

(I love you Steigen!)

But girls do talk. And...I think, having seen what's going on around me...that there needs to be an intervention sleepover. Girls be bitches, including myself, sometimes.

Which makes me ashamed. Britney told me straight up, yesterday, that I'm a mean girl, and I felt so bad. Because I really don't see myself as mean, most of the time.

I'm maybe a bit cold to...two people. Sometimes three. But everyone else...I always try to be nice with. S:

It just confused me. I have to wonder, sometimes, if everyone thinks I'm mean. If I'm doing something wrong. (Because I try so hard not to be an asshole to anyone! >.<)

Bleh.

This whole blog is pretty balanced in the joy versus the mope.

I'm still kinda floating on the inside. :3 Dunno why. Must be the summer air.

Hey, you found your balance!
Onions, really? HAHAHA.

haha.

heh.
» middaymoon on 2008-06-13 09:40:05

Not to be taken lightly
Okay. How to put this. You are mean, at times and like you said to only certain people. I think it just sometimes gets to the point to where you can't take it anymore and just have to let your frustration out at some point. And whoever is in your path at the moment may get a bit of the crossfire. I've seen it happen. I've experienced it. It happens. Heck I know for certain I do it.

I just want you to know you are NOT a mean person. It's just at times you get a bit snappy. But, like you said we are girls and it can happen.
» Brutaly on 2008-06-13 11:43:02

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