I wish I could pull my own distrust off of my skin for a day and hug my dad like I used to be able to.

His mum is dying. My grandmum.

I mean, I was never very close with her. She was the grandmum whose house I never stayed at. But she's still family.

:-\ Knowing what that means to me is the problem. I don't...know how much I actually care about my family. They all seem like weird strangers who try to give me hugs and tell me how much I've grown, even though it'd be a stretch for me to simply remember their names.

x.x

I'll tell you on the other side of my existence...the side before this happened...I was having fun.

The shopping was good, and Sarah liked her gifts, I guess. Her party was pretty fun, but I'm not really too close with anyone, anymore, and anyone I could still be close with has changed. It just makes me sick, sick, sick.

And it would be different if I had clients--paying clients--with the same problems, because then I wouldn't be afraid to push some help, because they came and gave up their money to have it which means they want to be acknowledged for not being okay.

I don't think I can bring that stuff up without hurting people or making them angry with me. People don't like to show weakness.

This just isn't easy.

At all.


So I guess this is Stevie's last real day around for a couple weeks. I don't know what I'm going to do with those extra two hours before I go to sleep. Maybe I'll use them to get MOAR sleep.

Or, maybe I'll just use it to write. My journals have been lacking their usual glow. Up until the breakup, my life's kinda lacked luster.

I guess the freedom is refreshing. I'm using it to enjoy a good flirt and an occasional cuddle from a few.

Omnom certainly. ;D

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