UGH.

I so wish I could hate him, right now. ARGH. AHH. JEEZ.

And even moreso I wish I could write what I'm thinking, but I won't, because that would be stupid.

So I'll simply say...

It was good to spend time with Britney. :) She came over kind of semi-unexpectedly, because I didn't get her text telling me she was heading over. So, of course, I was still in my sleep clothes (loose button-down and some boxers--boy clothes are so comfy) and glasses. x.x We made a pretty big lunch (a bunch of my special noodles (but not drugged like the word "special" is making it sound) a quesadilla, brownies, and...well, that's it, actually) and ate that while watching the last part of Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story and taking a bunch of little pictures.

Then we went upstairs. She looked through my pictures and helped me on a little project, then decided we should go swimming. We decided to call Kevin, Meagan, and Manal, because they're all rad.

Today was the first day Kevin and I really...I dunno. Clicked as more than just two people or friends. We're getting to the point where we're clicking like a straight boy and a straight girl do. His singing makes me calm down and I can feel the vibration of sound in my ears, but only with him, it seems, during song. Otherwise, there are certain voices which, while speaking, can do it.

In other words...his voice. It's nice, and deep, and soft. :)

And...I dunno. It was weird, when we were alone in the pool, and my friends were at a distance, and he just plopped me onto his lap and held me there. It was...cute. Nice. Pleasant. Not...thrilling. I mean, I didn't get the butterflies and the giggle snorts. To be blatantly honest, he reminds me quite a lot of Logan. I can't...eh. They were both kind of afraid of me, in a way. Like, I always got my way.

I don't like getting my way all the time.

You have to get me pissed at you to really have my respect, I guess. Anyone who can make me mad deserves a spot in my line of friends.

It all goes back to confidence.

Although...

Kevin is kinda like, Fuck all the other guys and be with me for real. I'll treat you right.

And on one side, I'm kinda like, Hmmm, that sounds good. Someone stable with the ability to be there when I need him to be, no matter what. Someone tender, and sweet, and good with my friends and others, but still able to demand what he needs...

But then...

It's...I'm...

I just don't feel the click. No butterflies. No grinning after talking. No happiness after a reconciliation after a fight, or even just after seeing the person...you know what I'm talking about. Or, I hope so.

...I just feel normal, right now, and I spent four hours half-naked in a pool with him.

It's...well.

There's nothing I can do about this. I still like him, just not enough to be in a committed relationship.

Bah! :)




(2:17:16 AM) Kagrbo: I kinda...wanna ask...
(2:17:27 AM) Kagrbo: If you've ever been high around me.
(2:17:34 AM) Kevin: Never.
(2:17:50 AM) Kagrbo: ...I'm glad.
(2:17:56 AM) Kevin: *nod*
(2:18:11 AM) Kevin: I know there's time when you've prolly questioned it.
(2:18:14 AM) Kevin: But no.
(2:18:19 AM) Kevin: And I dont plan on being so.
(2:18:30 AM) Kevin: Ever.

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