JUST SO YOU KNOW: This blog is...well, it has a chance of upsetting you, because it's talking about my grandma and her cancer and...it's bad. Like, worse than I've regularly heard of. So if you're sensitive to those types of things, please don't read it. Or, if you feel awkward when people say things about that and you don't know what to say...don't worry about it, because I understand completely, though I certainly don't mind if you DO say something.


And it's my grandma. The one who's sick--I think I wrote a while back that she had cancer. And they said it's really spread, but I didn't understand to where and what type she has until today.

It's...really bad. Mostly because she's not on treatment because she's so old and it's spread so badly...

She has it in her liver, her lungs, and I forget where else, but it's...those two are bad enough, not to mention the third place.

What's worse is that, due to the liver failure, her legs are extremely swollen with the water (I'm not really sure how that works, but I'm also pretty sure I don't want to know, despite the fact that this makes me choose to be ignorant, rather than gain knowledge like I would prefer...I just don't think I could handle it). My dad called and had to listen to her try and make her way to the phone, and I think it nearly broke his heart.

My mum held up her hands to show how swollen they are.

That's at least twice the size of a regular human leg at a healthy weight.

And all I can think about is the name God, and not using it the wrong way, but just...wondering how this happens to people. She doesn't even have the mercy of painkillers, I don't think. She lives, but she doesn't. I think we'll all feel relief when she dies, even though we don't want to say, and even though it will still be horrible and painful for her children...

At least she'll have that peace. At least maybe when she finds her resting place, it will be worth it. I don't know. It's something I don't think about a lot, even though she's my grandma. I just never became very close to her, or anyone, really, on my dad's side. They seem less personal. On my mum's side, I stay with Gram, and my aunts come over, sometimes with their kids, and I hang out with my cousin who's the same age as me, and we talk some, but not enough to really know anything without our mums telling us.

It's not like that on Dad's side. And I wish I could say differently. But my cousin almost the same age (younger) seems like he's with the wrong crowd, and his brother seems like a jerk, along with him...I just can't find myself getting along with them. Ever. Or laughing like I do with the other side of the family.

Same with all the adults. Like I said, it's unfortunate, but less pain, I guess, when something like what's happening with Grandma happens with someone else.

I don't know how to feel. And I can't think about it for so long, because I'm so busy with other thoughts, now.

I guess my heart just goes out to Dad. I would be so hard to console. He doesn't even have a wife who loves him, anymore. Who does he turn to?

That's...kind of the question that scares me.

Who does he turn to?

Hopefully it will all just be over soon. And it sounds like such a weird thing to say, but the longer they wait, the more they hold on. Seeing that much hurt...

Well.

It's not for the weak at heart.

Sorry, you do not have permission to comment.

If you are a member, try logging in again or accessing this page here.